Sunday, May 07, 2006

Hustle & Flow is Good, the French Are Assholes

I have seen a shitload of movies in my life. And recently I've gone on a steady flow, maximizing the mail-DVD system and all the cable channels/DVR combo. I've especially seen a lot of American classics, Kirosawa epics and well-rated Westerns that had been gaps in my experience. Yesterday, for example, I watched the paean to Western racism that was John Wayne and his role in The Searchers. It was okay, particularly in its cinematography and capturing majestic western landscapes. The Gunfighter with Gregory Peck was pretty good also.

By far the most retarded thing about The Searchers is the thing nobody ever mentions. They kidnap the little girl and kill the rest of the family. Tops, the girl is eight. She looks more like six or seven. The search explicitly takes 5-6 years. When they find her, she's easily 21. This is not ok. This is not acceptable, it's not some little movie convention you're required to ignore. She's an adult woman who's fucking Indians when they find her, that's why John Wayne wants to kill her. When she's lost, she's a simpleminded dumbass tiny child. 5 years go by.

Um, no.

But I'll tell you what. I just saw Hustle & Flow and that is a great film. And Terence Howard is a great actor. What a great performance. The whole film sneaks up on you. You're watching it, and you're following the characters and the story, you totally believe it, you feel the details, and then wham - it closes the sale.

It provided the most genuinely joyous moment at this year's Oscars and a memorable line from Jon Stewart keeping score: "3 6 Mafia one, Martin Scorsese zero."

Having walked through Memphis on a blistering hot May day, and having walked through neighborhoods like the ones in the film, there is an atmospheric realism that permeates throughout.

See this movie.

I saw March of the Penguins the other day. I learned two things. One, Antartic penguins are fascinating, resilient sons of bitches. Two, the French are the douchiest losers on the planet Earth. They are the biggest drama queens anywhere. I am not making the following line up from the "making of" DVD extra: "Finally we were alone. Face to face with ourselves."

Do you realize what a complete asshole you have to be to say this line? For Christ's sake, you weren't even literally alone. Alone means just you. Just one person. There were two of you, you uberdouches. The whole documentary is hysterical in this respect - the penguins are ascribed literally every human emotion in the book by these gaywads. They're "in love," they experience "unimaginable grief." Have you ever heard of anything more egocentric and arrogant? They talk about first seeing the penguins and being so overcome with emotion that they couldn't hold their cameras. Someone needs to get laid.

I saw Derailed. It's got Clive Owen and Jennifer Anniston, and is one of the worst movies I've seen in a long, long time. Horrid. Not as bad as Domino, probably the worst film of the last ten years. Derailed is just stupid and soooo easy to see the twist about an hour before the main protagonist does, and so you hate it for its stupidity and laziness.

Domino, on the other hand, makes you want to defacate into the eyes of everyone associated with the project. Has there ever been a more uninteresting subject, filmed in a more pretentiously hateful way? We are talking this being worse than Showgirls, easily.

As always, Ebert Victorious.


Blogger TubaOnFire said...

Have not seen Hustle and Flow. It is one of those movies that when you explain it, just doesn't sound good. "Well, its the story of a pimp who wants to become a rapper." Doesn't really stir up the interest. Everyone said it was really good, so if I see 10 movies this year, I will try to rent it.
Also, it really is not that hard out there for pimp. Sorry guys, compared to ho-ing. Pimping is pretty easy. Seriously, managing a stable of 6 girls can't be much more work than manging a department of 6 marketing analysts. I mean, you can't kill 'em if they have a bad week. Can't get 'em hooked on crack to maintain loyalty (hmmm, maybe I could) No vacation days to plan. Yeah, security is a little tricky, but I mean it is not like you are working in the freaking coal mines.

9:07 AM  
Blogger TubaOnFire said...

Your comment on the Searchers reminded me of onbe of the truly horrific movie experiences I had. Godzilla (the new one). That was the movie that killed the big summer movie for me. It would be hard to screw up Godzilla - some campy fun, an homage to the old movies and smash some shit and everyone has a good time. Its not Citizen Kane, but good summer fun. But nooooo. They fucked that up so badly that anyone involved in that film should never work in this town again. Somehow, they had no idea how big Godzilla was. Is he the size of the Chrysler building? Can he fit on the Brooklyn Bridge? Can he fit in Madison Square Garden? In the east river? Just lazy and stupid. Why bother if you are going to make no effort at all?

9:13 AM  
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