Saturday, October 22, 2005

Why Football Coaches Are Morons, Part 733

Pet Peeve. 6-9 seconds left on the clock. It is not 4th down. No timeouts. They go for the field goal right there. I hate that. Another play will not eat up that amount of time. Throw a ten yard out or if you're on the 15 and in, toss one in the corner where only your guy can catch it. If it's incomplete, there will still be at least 2 seconds left. At least. What is the matter with coaches? I mean, I've watched a lot of football and an incomplete short pass for less than 20 yards never takes more than 5 seconds when the QB doesn't scramble.

For example, Auburn-LSU. 6 seconds left. Ball on the 32 - it'll be a 49 yarder to win the game for a kid who, I'm sorry, isn't going to make a 49 yarder. But he might make a 39 yarder. How slow are your athletes? Do they run 4.5 40s? Do you think they can run a 4.5 10 yard out? It's retarded. Naturally the kid missed badly, and the hilarious part was there was 1 second left on the clock. Think about that. A kid kicked a ball up in the air for 50 yards and it took only 5 seconds for that play to transpire. There was STILL 1 second for a Hail Mary for the other team.

Now do coaches understand that if the clock hits zero while the play is ongoing, the game doesn't end midplay at 00:00?

But coaches are pussies. All they care about is avoidng criticism. Which ironically leads to a Mike Martz mention. He doesn't care about the criticism... he's the one guy who'd go for it. The difference with Martz is he's also fucking up the above but for a different reason. He'd call the extra play if he were bright enough to realize it. He has balls - he's just like a sad girl with palsy swatting a fly when it comes to game management.

By the way, this goes double when your field goal kicker is a joke. Auburn's guy just missed his 5th field goal in 6 tries to lose the game - and boy did that kicker singlehandedly lose the game. He missed from everywhere.

Oh, and WTF is with the announcers publicly masturbating their insta-labeling of a game? Embarrassingly forcing a label on a so-so game is a capital offense in sports broadcasting. Sorry, these were decent teams, but what an utterly forgettable game. Lot of mistakes. The guy immediately made his call of the final OT failed FG (which hit the upright) as "The Upright Game" (excitedly: "... and the kick hits the left upright and LSU wins in overtime in what will be called 'The Upright Game!'"). You could see his mind falling in love with itself and sucking its own mind-cock for that. He made the sideline reporter immediately ask the head coach this awkward question, "How does it feel to win 'The Upright Game?'" The coach was like, uh, ok. Then back to the announcer (the whatshisname with Bob Davie) who jammed his proud self-cokcsuck label "The Upright Game" back down the audience's throat yet again. Fuck you, "brah." You didn't just witness "The Catch" or"The Shot Heard 'Round the World" or "The Immaculate Reception." In a so-so game between above average teams, you saw a kick miss. it happened to hit the upright. If it had simply gone wide left, would you have insta-labeled the game "The Wide Left Game?" God damn that irritates me.


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