Monday, October 24, 2005

"The Upright Game" redux

I have more to say about "The Upright Game." I don't think my earlier mockery did justice to the Crime Against Humanity that the attempt at insta-labeling truly was. So let me try and illustrate how awful this was in two steps.

Step 1:
Imagine you are watching the AFC championship game between the Raiders and Steelers. On the final play of the game, Bradshaw throws the ball, it doinks off of Frenchy Fuqua and into Franco Harris' outstretched hands, he runs it in for a ridiculously lucky TD. And while the play is happening, the announcer is saying the following:

"Final play of the game... Bradshaw back to pass... he throws it downfield to Fuqua... off his hands... Wait! Franco Harris grabs it out of midair! Franco Harris! Harris rumbles down the sideline and into the endzone and the Steelers win the Championship in what will be known as 'The Immaculate Reception Game!'"

Wait, it gets worse.

Now, that era's version of Suzy "Joe Namath wants to kiss me" Kolber comes running up to Chuck Noll in the chaos ten seconds later as everyone spills onto the field. Probably a guy. The guy sticks a mike in Noll's face and says, "Coach, how does it feel to win 'The Immaculate Reception Game?'" And then Noll is like, uh, whatever guy. And then it goes back to the booth, where the announcer starts only referring to it as the "Immaculate Recpetion Game."

Step 2:
Now imagine that the game is not between the Steelers and Raiders for the chance to go to the Super Bowl, but instead is between the Dolphins and Chiefs the same season - two undoubtedly good but not great teams. And then imagine that game they play is sloppy, boring, and the FG kickers miss 7 out of 10 tries. And then on the last play of the game the Chiefs player is running toward the goal line for the win, stretches out, and the ball touches the pylon, knocking it over as he's knocked out of bounds. Ref signals TD. And immediately the announcer goes, "And Jones runs right, running for the goal line, he dives... knocked out of bounds but the outstretched ball knocks over the pylon and the referee signals TD... and the Chiefs win what will be called "The Pylon Game!"

Followed by sideline announcer running out to Hank Stram - "Coach how does it feel to win "The Pylon Game?"

It's horrible, awkward, clumsy, hilariously retarded. It's embarrassing to even look at. You want to turn away as if someone just farted. But it's offensive because it's deliberate and clearly premeditated. It's just the worst kind of announcing. It would also be like whoever was calling Denver at NYG yesterday calling, "And Manning under pressure, back to throw, throws... and Toomer catches it and the Giants will win what will be known as the "Manning to Toomer Game!" "Coach Coughlin, how doesit feel to win the "Manning to Toomer Game?" Ugh, vomit.

By the way, what did I say about this issue? The Giants had 9 seconds left when that play started and when Toomer caught it (and a little Manning scramble) there were 5 seconds left. But if the lead had been 3 do you think Coughlin kicks right there? I think there's a 75% chance he does. Absolutely if only 6 or 7 seconds left rather than 9, even though it was only 2d down and the play took 4 seconds including the mini-scramble.

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